What to do when he doesn’t have the “Courage” to say it.

Before I start this post I want to let you know a little secret….I’m not a dating expert.

And I know what you’re thinking, “What you’re not? But you have SO much experience. Haven’t you been on the dating scene for 14 years? You HAVE to be an expert at this point!”

First, Thank you for the reminder that I’ve been dating for this long… and yes, I have been dating awhile which might make me more experienced than others, but I can guarantee this…. I’m not an expert at all.

However, I have learned a few things on my own and a few things I’ve picked up from the advice of my friends.

I’m currently in the stage of life where I am either surrounded by my friends who are married with kids and have a hard time remembering the last time they actually slept, or I’m surrounded by my friends who are single and have a hard time remembering the last time they actually slept in their own bed.

It’s a fun stage because you get to act like an adult when you’re around your married friends, and then you also get to act like a kid when you’re around your single friends.

Married friends….
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Single friends….

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When I’m sitting around with my single friends we usually end up talking about current relationship stuff, and our conversations usually go something like this….

“Hey how are things going with ‘Hot Body’? Whats his real name again?”

“Haha! Carl. But yeah things are going well! We have been chatting nonstop all week and our second date is tomorrow. What should I wear?”

“OMG so fun!!! Fill me in once the date is over and wear that black shirt with the jeans…they makes your butt look good and not in the obvious slutty way.

Two days later

“Hey how was your date with ‘Hot Body’? Give me all the deets”

“Date went great! He’s so funny and sweet.  We talked for hours, and I think he actually likes me!”

“Well duh, How could he NOT like you! You’re a perfect angel sent from heaven above.”

A couple days later

“Soooo…. how are things gooooing?”

“Well, we’ve been texting sporadically, but he hasn’t suggested making any further plans and it kinda seems like he isn’t into it anymore. I don’t know what went wrong…”

“Hmmmm…Why don’t you text him and see if he wants to hang out sometime or something”

“Nooo. I can’t do that. I need to play it cool. If he wants to see me he’ll see me….”

“Yeah you’re right …. Definitely play it cool. Well I hope it works out!”

A week Later

“Have you heard from ‘Hot Body’?”

“Nope! He hasn’t sent me a text. Which blows because we honestly had two great dates.”

“Welp, get back out there. Wanna update your OKcupid profile pic? Go put on those cute jeans!! I’ll go get my camera ready.”

And then thats the last we hear of Hot Body Carl. (yes… we usually give all guys nicknames. Hot body Carl, ShadyShane, Edgar Allen Poe, The Twin, The Teacher, Creepy Dan, Little Hands, the Annoying One, and the one from Sweden just to name a few. Some of them aren’t creative at all.)

I don’t know about you, but these types of conversations frustrate the crap out of me. Like why do we have to “play it cool” when it comes to talking to guys? Why can’t we just ask them if they want to see us again?

For those of you who are out of the dating world this is what texting a guy looks like nowadays….

He texts you.

You then respond with a clever/funny/amazing rely, which, is also a question. This way he HAS to write back.

He then responds, but doesn’t ask a question.

Crap.

You now have a choice do you send another text to ask/tell him something else OR do you wait for him to text you again.

If you do choose to send a text and he responds with just a one word answer, AGAIN, you obviously cannot send him another text…

This is a rule.

You don’t want to seem smothering or overbearing, or God forbid “Not Chill”.

So it’s back to the waiting game.

No matter which way you go you are usually waiting around for his text….And you sit around wondering for hours/days if he does or does not want to see you again.

This is dating now.

And I hate it.

To remedy this situation i’ve adopted something my friend Justin advised me to do. He said, “When you are unsure if a guy wants to see you again, give him a chance to say no. You don’t know whats going on in his head. He may be busy, he may be forgetful, or he may not be interested. Either way what does it hurt to ask.”

First, This type of communication has changed my attitude towards dating because it seems less like a game and more like real life. And…Less people get hurt this way, and it leads to honest communication, and isn’t that what we all want anyway?

Second, You’ll notice it’s not “Give him a chance to say Yes”. That’s with purpose. At this point in the texting game you are fairly certain he isn’t interested. Guys who are interested communicate with you and if they aren’t texters they at least call you or make future plans with you. So really You just need confirmation that he isn’t interested. So I’m not trying to be negative, I’m just trying to be realistic.

Third, I realize this is breaking the texting rule…but sometimes rules are made to be broken…

Soooo
What does “Giving him a chance to say no” look like?

I’m glad you asked! Here are some examples of what you can say:

“Hey! Our last date was fun and I’d like to see you again. What are your thoughts on getting together sometime this week”

This lets him know you’re interested and that you want to see him again, and asking him his thoughts on the date opens up the conversation.  It gives him a chance to say “I’m not interested.” or “I’m free this tuesday lets grab drinks”

another option:
“So I was driving past blah blah and I saw blah blah and It reminded me of you. I’m sure you’ve been busy with work, but what do you think about getting together this week to catch up.”

This one lets him know you’re thinking about him without sounded like a crazy girl, You give him an out for not texting you by saying you know he’s been busy at work, and it also opens up the conversation about seeing each other.

Here are some examples of what NOT to say.
“Hey, You down to hang out this week, or nah?

You’re not his bro…. You’re a delicate female flower.

Also don’t say this….
“Soooo… I’ve been waiting for you to text me, and you haven’t which may be a hint that you don’t want to talk to me, but I don’t know for sure. I figured instead of living in the unknown I’d text you and see if you like me or not. Soooo….. do you like me or not…. give it to me straight”

This is WAYYYY too honest….. you need to hide this type of crazy for a couple months.

You may be asking yourself, “But Lauren, what if he doesn’t want to see me? what then?!?”

This is tough because no one likes being rejected. But at least now you know and you can move on to the next guy! For me, I’d rather know ASAP whether or not he wanted to see me instead of playing the flirting/be clever texting game and finding out three weeks later that he wasn’t really into me in the first place and that he was just being “polite” by responding to texts. I’m 29… I don’t have time to play games.

And what if he doesn’t even respond to that text?

Wellllll…..I hate to break it to you, but he doesn’t want to see you again he just doesn’t have the courage to say it.

And, yes, thank you for noticing how mature I am because I said courage instead of balls. I’m so grown up!

I don’t expect everyone to follow this advice, because putting yourself out there is hard, but if you do try it let me know how it goes!!

-Lauren.

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One thought on “What to do when he doesn’t have the “Courage” to say it.

  1. Lauren, have you ever read He’s Just Not that into You? This little book blew my mind ten years ago. The first time someone suggested this to me, I was offended. Then I read the book and realized how simple dating communication really is. If the dude likes you enough, he will call, show up, date you and marry you. This was bloody hard for go-getter me to accept as a single person. Then, at age 29, I met my husband, and he proved the book right. So there you go!

    Like

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